Overwhelmed

I have done almost no sewing. I have really done almost no anything. My head is a bit messed up again, this being the time of year that Dad went really bad. I'm ruminating on all of that stuff again, and I know it's no good, but I don't know how to do otherwise.

Yes, sewing would help. The problem is, I still have not cleared up the clutter in here, and I am suffocating under the disorganization. Everywhere I look, there is a mountain of something to be done, and my brain just shuts down while trying to decide where to start. I can't put X away because Y is in the way of the closet door. If I open the closet, I have to clear out Z to get X in there. If I take out Z, I don't have the energy or the breath to deal with it, and there is nowhere to put it until I get that energy...which may not ever happen. Meanwhile, U, V and W are in equally bad shape.

So, I did do something about the leaky fridge. I got a small shop vac to clear it up every time it happens. Now I don't have a place for the shop vac, and the fridge still leaks.

Ever the glutton for punishment, I have committed myself to 2 new projects. I signed up for a Secret Santa, and I am hoping to make the Bonnie Hunter mystery quilt this year. I have the pieces 90% cut for the SS, and one of 10 blocks made. That is due to be shipped some time after Dec 1. If I can get it done, I can also ship out the baby quilt for my cousin at the same time. Money has been too tight to do it so far, and I haven't wanted to go outside in the daylight. (((crazy)))

I have all of the fabric for the BH quilt top. The first clue happens on Black Friday, day after Thanksgiving. I'm hoping that this will motivate me to tidy up, at least a little. I have done minimal shifting and re-positioning of things, but minimal will not be enough. I have a storage container that needs to be emptied into the trash, then refilled with ziplock bags of fabric and UFOs.

My foot swelling has never resolved, so that pain is one excuse I use. Problem is, it can't resolve if I don't take my meds. I haven't been. I can't manage to make myself do that either. My mind is a real clusterfuck, and I feel powerless to change it. I don't want this life, but I can't make myself do anything different..I have no reason to. There is no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. There isn't even a rainbow. I am a petulant child, and I suck. I deserve every bit of this. Furthermore, nobody gives a fuck, least of all me.

Not very productive

To put it bluntly, I ain't done shit. I want so badly to make stuff, but my creating space is a disaster. I've tried to sit down and get it cleaned up and organized, but haven't made any real progress.

The room is like a big sliding puzzle with one empty space to move things in and out of. My ass also has to occupy that empty space, so it's extra crispy cramped.

I need help.

I've half finished quilting the charm pack cherry quilt I started on here. I hope to work on it some more tomorrow. I've been swollen and really achy here at Mom's, probably from going up and down her stairs so much to take care of the fat dog's needs. He's a good boy, but very clingy. He's also enjoying using my dirty laundry as a pillow. I only have three loads left, and one of them includes the comforter that he seems to enjoy. I'd have it washed already, but I don't have the heart to pull it from underneath him.

I've also nearly finished piecing the top of my diamond dash quilt. Only two sides of outer border left to attach. I'd love to get it basted here since there's so much floor space, but my batting is at home in the apartment. If I get the back pieced by Monday night, I'll go to Walmart and buy another batting for it. They have my favorite brand BTY, and I'm hoping it's 90" wide.

I will have to vacuum like a fiend first. Jack Black the lab has left his fur all over, and it has become part of the CPC quilt already. I planned on sending that one to my newly re-married cousin, and I think she already has a black dog, so I may skate by on that note.

Ooopsie, it's been a minute

I surely didn't mean to abandon this blog. Things have been, well, things. My apartment is leaking rain, they are doing construction on the alley behind my place, I'm not even there right now. I've been at the P's house since the beginning of the month, and will be for two more weeks.

I have done some sewing, though. I finished a baby quilt for my cousin. I crocheted some stuff for her. I'm quilting another quilt here. The machine I'm using has no needle down position, so I get a bit sweary, and the going is slow.

Cousin's stuff:

And the one I'm working on now, in my childhood bedroom, with a glamour NOT of me:

Last weekend, I gave the little niece a sewing lesson. I helped her to sew a small zipper pouch, no small feat since I know adult women who still dread zippers. M is only ten. I forgot to take a pic of that. We'll see if I can sew more with her during the two remaining weeks here.

Stitched a bunch of crap

I played around with a few different things yesterday at the sewing table. Made an origami tote bag and half finished another. Pieced four blocks with strings. Both of these were made with dog paws fabrics, I'm not even sure why I made them, just playing around while watching the Dem convention.

I also started making some hourglass blocks in red and green. Bonnie Hunter has started a new leader and ender challenge, and I'm going to play along. I cut some pieces out on Saturday to get started, and have more strips cut to subcut into QSTs. When I get some $$, I'll maybe pick up a yard or two of a cute and cheap Christmas fabric, and alternate the hourglass blocks with the same size un-pieced squares. I have no grand plan, really, just leaders and enders to use up some of this scrap I have lying around. I'm using 3" strips for these, so they will finish at 5".

I should have just cut more strips for the My Blue Heaven hourglass blocks, but nooooo, I had to start something else. I also should have finished the last two rows of the Diamond Dash that's hanging from my bedroom door. I think I'm hesitant to finish that one because I don't have the border, binding and backing for it, or the batting. It's frustrating to not have it finished, and to lack the needed materials, but I have to lay off spending money I don't have for "gifts".

Probably won't sew today as my left leg is swollen and really painful. I'm seeing the doctor Friday afternoon, and it's a long walk from the valet to her office.

Moan!

I finished snipping the rag quilt. Yay! I also made a small quilted bag with fabric I won in a contest a while back. It's really cute!

But...

My machine needs repair. The presser foot tension is messed up. I looked it up, and it may be more than $250 to fix. I'm going to give it a good cleaning tomorrow, just in case some flannel fluff got stuck somewhere. I was lazy and didn't do it after finishing the rag quilt. I'm pretty sure there's a bunch of crud under the bobbin case that I couldn't see with the regular brushing at bobbin changes.

I'm sure I won't be lucky, and that's not enough. The adjustment dial has been acting goofy for a while. I always store the machine with the foot down, but who knows what shape the spring may be in. I can't do any free motion quilting without this machine. I have two others in the house that will do general sewing and piecing, but I need to do FMQ!

I don't have the money to fix this. I don't even have groceries, or grocery money, until two weeks from now. Why does the universe hate me so?

Stitched some

I finished sewing the rag quilt today. I've been working on the snipping part most of the day, but I'll probably finish it tomorrow. The old hands are a bit crampy, and it's too hot to have this thing in my lap all day, even with the AC on. It really is cuddly soft, though. I wish I could take it to wash and fluff right away, but I don't see that happening. My laundromat has no AC, and I wouldn't dare expose someone I know to the lint this might throw into their machine. *sigh*

It does feel good to finish something, even if I still have the snipping to do. I screwed up the placement of blocks somehow, but IDGAF. Now I will finally have one of my own quilts for MYSELF, if only because it's less than perfect. I bought the Kermit fabric because *I* like it, even if Grover is my real muppet boyfriend.

So, a pair of pics. One of snipping in progress, and one of my poor, 'stoned foot peeking out from beneath the quilt.

I really need to get a proper cover on my TV tray ironing surface. The towel is looking pretty grotty.

Swelling be damned

It looks like my edema is a permanent thing. I've avoided sewing for a while now (except for a quick test block and creating a small pattern) and my feet are still 'stoned. I've mostly kept my feet elevated, only putting them down when I had to get off my behind for a few minutes because it hurt.

The outside temperature is going up to horrible numbers this week. I won't be going out there. I need to suck it up and just sew again. I'll probably limit myself to short sessions, maybe two or three hours in a stretch. If I didn't have pain in my feet, I wouldn't care about the swelling as much, but the pain is worse when they feel like giant, buzzing beehives.

I had hoped to finish the flannel rag quilt first. I'll start back with it, but may have to put it aside because it makes me feel hot just working on it. Why can't I be a normal person who can do things without accommodating some kind of illness or sensitivity? It's getting ridiculous!

Speaking of ridiculous, I need to figure out a way to buy 18 days worth of groceries with just under $40. Oh, and also figure out how to get them up my stairs in this heat. I have one frozen pizza and some frozen ground beef, a few servings of rice, and a can of tomatoes. Oh, and two packets of instant oatmeal and one cup of ramen. I'm out of everything else. I considered making some bread, but I don't have enough flour!

It's no wonder I'm anxious and depressed, living like this is stressful. If it's true that "you are what you eat", I'm a small amount of salty, processed crap.

Blogging: A source of anxiety?

I really wanted to start this blog so that I could share some of my quilting stuff.

Since that is still on hold, I fear it will become a never ending list of complaints about how my life sucks. Who wants to read that? I barely have the energy to type it out. Still, I have an obligation to continue in the interest of finishing something I have started. Will it be therapeutic to put all of this crap out there, to get it out of my head and onto "paper"? Is it foolish to put it out there and let the entire world know how screwed up my thinking has become? Nothing on the internet is ever truly deleted so I am taking a chance here...that is terrifying to me.

I feel like I'm expected to be doing fun things, visiting with family, making better use of my time. Unfortunately, my brain won't allow that. Here's an example of one excuse I make to keep me home alone. I shouldn't call it an excuse since it's how I really feel right now, but I'm calling it as I believe others might see it.

I can bring nothing to anyone else right now. No physical thing, no gift, no baked good, nothing which might cost money. I have nothing, let alone anything to share. Giving someone the gift of my presence, my company, is pointless. I am a beating to be around. I have no good news to share, no stories about things that I've been doing. To open my mouth is to allow a stream of complaints to spew forth, and nobody wants to hear them. Even if someone says that they will listen, it's hard to get their attention from the electronic device(s) in their face, the knocks on their door, the phone ringing, the pets begging...there's no room for me and my bullshit. I find it very lonely to be in a room full of people who aren't paying attention to one another because they have the internet in their hands. It takes far too much energy and pain for me to actually leave my house, only to be mostly ignored.

Aside from wishing for, and not getting someone's attention, I'd rather not be a taker. There are things I need and cannot get or do for myself, and asking for them has become an exercise in futility. Nobody has the time, and them throwing money at me to "fix" them leaves me feeling guilty. These gestures aren't loans that I can ever repay, and they don't feel like gifts given out of love or concern.

Ugh, I can't even completely express my thoughts here for fear that someone might read them and be hurt. The funny thing is, nobody is reading, just like nobody is listening, or hearing, or understanding the point I'm getting at. How could they? It's all pretty pointless. I'm ending this post here, because I feel actual nausea from my thoughts. To anyone in the future who might come across this blog, my psychiatrist has recently moved out of state, Feels good.

Two measly rows, a moan.

I didn't make it to Mom's on Sunday. I was pretty tired, and unable to sleep from pain until early Sunday morning, then crashed until 9PM. My answering machine was full of messages from Mom and one of my brothers. If they were worried, they have a key to my place FFS. They also could have brought me some food or something, all I have here is the stuff to make Mom's dinner on Wednesday, and it's too hot for me to go out. And I'm broke until next month.

Whatever, not their problem...

I tried to sew a little and only got two rows of nine finished. My feet are still horrible, and I feel sick otherwise, too. Mentally, physically, I'm a mess. And I feel like nobody on the Earth gives a crap unless I'm not showing up with the fucking Jello.Even my oxygen delivery guy is leaving me until Aug 1 because he's going on vacation, and the company has nobody else to cover my route. I'm stuck with a noisy, sputtering concentrator, and just enough liquid to fill portables in case I do leave the house.

Once again, the universe reminds me that I am worthless.

Not stitching, moaning.

Not sure I'll be able to sew tomorrow. After yesterday's graduation party for one nephew, I have to go to Mom's for a last get together with my oldest nephew. He's moving from IL to AZ for his first big job after graduating college. I'm sad to see him go, he's a really fun kid. His graduation/birthday/bon voyage party was last weekend, but Mom wants him at her house before he goes.

It's gonna be a hot one, so I don't expect the swelling in my legs to go down at all. I'm also in a lot of pain from yesterday's outing. The stairs here are doing my ass in. I've promised to cook dinner for Mom on Wednesday (her place again) because it will be Dad's birthday. Another "first since we lost him" holiday, and I dread it. This is about me and my grief, not anyone else's. Every time I spend time with family lately, I cry all the way in the car because it just doesn't feel right. I actually had to double down on meds yesterday because my anxiety had ramped up so much that I almost decided not to go.

So, my moaning about not sewing is because I'm getting nothing done, and I'm unable to get lost in the sewing process and get out of my crazy head. There's lots more to it, but I am just going to leave it at that.

The problem with UFOs

I think I found the perfect fabric to finish the bigger quilt I'm working on. I'll need about 5 yards at $5 a yard, plus batting. The fabric is at an online wholesale warehouse, and I'll have to keep my fingers crossed that it won't sell out before I can grab it. I shouldn't be in such a hurry anyway, but I'd like to finish this one while I still have enthusiasm for the project.

This is a real issue with me, and I suspect, with many other quilters. It's all good when starting a new thing, not so much when a problem comes up and it becomes a source of frustration...or boredom. I have another large top that has been finished for a few years now, but never basted or quilted. At the time, I was afraid to quilt it because of its size (small machine throat), and because my quilting skills were minimal. Now that I am confident enough to quilt it, I'm considering tearing off the outer border and replacing it with some of the backing fabric. Then I won't have enough backing or binding, and that fabric line is gone for good. I may have enough of the background fabric to use it instead, but I'm betting that I don't. They still make the background fabric, but I fear that the dye lot may have changed. Whichever way I go, I will have to remove the current border because a) I hate it and b) It has been laying around for a while and got something on it that looks like a bleachy spot. It's gotta go.

There's another large top (yeah, another) that I have made all the blocks for. It's a thousand pyramids quilt. I started putting the first row together, and got nervous that I was screwing up. Triangles, eeek. I really should get back to that one because I have all of the fabric for it, and the one reserved package of batting I have is intended for that quilt. I refuse to use it on anything else because that quilt was started for my parents' house. Another reason I stopped working on it was because I don't think Mom is so fond of my fabric choices. I never should have showed them to her until the quilt was done. Her disapproval was enough for me to shelve the project. I must finish that sucker this year.

I have two other unfinished quilts...lol. One is a jelly roll race that I didn't like, no hurry to finish it, and I still haven't decided what to back it with. I'm leaning toward a wide, unpieced backing because there are so many seams in the front. I also never pressed it after it was finished, like a dumbass, so that really sucks.

The last one is a four charm pack quilt, Charm Pack Cherry from fat quarter shop. I have the top done, the backing/binding is purchased but not seamed, and I have the batting. The only thing keeping me from finishing that one is my edema and the location of the pieces. I took it to Mom's to use a new(ish) machine she and my brother picked up at a garage sale. Unfortunately, there is no table for me to work at there, duh. Electrical outlets are also limited. I think that she would love for me to hang out and work on it there, but I don't know how much she would love seeing me hog a whole room while working.

Frustration is building in me over these quilts. I want to get them done, and move on to the other beautiful things I have in mind (and may have already started..oops). I haven't even mentioned the fabric that has been purchased for other quilts. I'll leave that for another post...

Hey, I'll blog about it!

So, I'm going to start this stupid blog today. In it, I hope to share some of my sewing and quilting shenanigans, but I'm quite sure that there will be plenty of the moaning. I'm a pretty miserable person most of the time, no joke. For example:

Today will probably not be a sewing day. I have flannel squares cut and stacked on the table for a rag quilt throw. I finished cutting and stacking them last night. There are 180 squares cut to 7", and the front and back layouts are like two different quilts, so stacking them for sewing was a small pain in the ass. Mostly because I had to accomplish this in a very small space...the end of my bed. I had to take frequent breaks because my feet are "Flintstoned" out at the moment. 

See Wilma's dainty little feet? Mine are more like Fred's.

Because I have PH and CHF, and it's summer, I have edema. Horrible, aching edema. I also have neuropathy, and that makes it so much more delightful. I have two swollen things at the end of my legs that feel like they are being stuck by needles, sunburned, and slapped the shit out of simultaneously. Gooood times. 

So, today will be a non-sewing day. I have to try to keep these suckers elevated because I have to attend my nephew's graduation party tomorrow, and I'd like to let the swelling begin fresh for that. I'll probably have to wait until Monday to get back to sewing, because Sunday will be another elevation day. 

I have tons of sewing that I'm dying to get at, and my body will not allow it. Very frustrating. I have another large quilt top that is 2/3 finished, but I have the same two issues with no layout space and the need to rest. That top is hanging from my bedroom door on a pants hanger, just mocking me. I still need to check the border fabric I hoped to use and see if there's enough of it. I also need to find more backing fabric/binding and to buy batting for it. I lack the fundage for any more purchases this month, so I suppose I will continue to be mocked. That's why I started the flannel project that will use no batting. 

There is a baby/toddler quilt top completed with the backing cut that also needs batting. I'm pretty sure that I have enough poly batting to use, but I am so hesitant to do so. This quilt has no designated recipient, and was made from almost entirely free fabric, so I really should get over it. I wanted to do some FMQ practice on it, though, and poly isn't going to cut it for that purpose since I've moved on to using a 60/40 cotton blend. I recently finished another small quilt with poly batting, and it felt really weird quilting on that thickness since it's no longer what I'm used to. It also has no drape, and I hate the look of it. 

Yeah, I think the poly scrap will be used in other projects, not quilts. Quilted pillow shams? Sure! I'll get right on those when my fucking feet are deflated.